The Envy of Friends Successes

This I seriously cannot understand.

When a friend of mine is succeeding in something, getting a better job or finding love, I only feel joy. I am happy for my friend, and hope that he or she will make it.

But, this is obviously not so for everybody. I see the green light of envy and jealousy is flickering in the eyes of people that I know are normaly very good and gentle people, people that I would not hesitate one second to count among my best friends.

In Scandinavia there is even a name for it - the Law of Jante, which actually comes from a book by Aksel Sandemose where it is defined as:
"This is Jante: each little soul's struggle for coequality and recognition, never without consciousness that all the others are greater than he."
http://www.waste.org/~xtal/red/jante.html

I have experienced this twice now. First when I was selected as a moderator on the Swedish Flashback. Second when I now have perhaps a chance of loving someone, after a very long time being alone. Yes, teasing, making fun of me and joking - that is ok. I welcome that. But somehow, there is also resentment, fear maybe of me leaving and perhaps jealosy.

I don´t understand it. And I don´t like it. But, I guess it is human, and since these are my friends, I forgive it.

Supporter

That seems to be my role in life.

When people are having troubles, things they need to sort out, they turn to me. I am there, helping, comforting, supporting. I am the shoulder to cry on, the safe haven. The friend that don´t ask for anything.

When the good times return, when the good time friends return, then I am not needed, then I am forgotten. Then the smooth talkers are the ones they want to be with. The happy people, those that disappear when troubles comes. They are exciting, they are fun.

Then I am an embarresment. Then my friendship is worth nothing.

Unless they need my support again.

Maybe it is all very natural. Who wants to be reminded of the bad times? Who wants to think that they will need that support again. Why waste the good news, why share the happiness? They still know, I will be there when needed.

Maybe I am wrong. But, sometimes even the supporter needs support. And then there is none.

Yes, this is a gloomy thought, and one I woke up with this morning. Isn´t it fun to be me?

Games people play

I am a simple guy.

I say what I feel, mean what I say and am not afraid to apologize when I am wrong.
If someone wants my help I give it, with no thought of benefitting from it later.

If I have a problem with someone - I talk to that one about it.

I make no plans. I have no strategy. I don´t think about politics.

Because - I am simple. And I don´t know how to be anything else.

And at the end of the day - I am not sure that I want to.

Even if I lose.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Links of interest:

"Dealing with manipulating people" by George K. Simon
http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html

"Manipulating people" by Chuck Gallozzi
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/manipulation.htm

"How Mind Manipulation Is Used For Influence And Control" by Exit & Support Network
http://home.datawest.net/esn-recovery/artcls/mm_used.htm

Empty life

I really have nothing.

At this moment in my life - I have nothing to really keep me going. My parents are dead, my contact with my siblings are almost zero, my ex-girlfriends but one are lost, my last girlfriend is in another country, I have no estate and no fortune to manage but lots of debt, I work as a self-employed contracter with almost no contracts, for a company that is always lacking money.

I am entering my middle age, I am not good looking or exciting, I have very little success with women, the few that I manage to have a relationship with soon looses their interest. So, I am most likely to end up alone at the end.

So - why keep on going? Why not end it now?

I don´t know.

Maybe in a vain hope of a better day? Maybe because it is certain that death comes at the end anyway? Maybe because I am lazy or a coward? Maybe of concern about those poor buggers that have to take care of the body and the mess that I would create?

I have some interests that fills the day.

I moderate a forum, I adminster another one. And there are people there that I care about. People that I may even say that I love. Not romantically, more like a brother.

But, most likely, although they maybe would miss me for a few weeks, their life wouldn´t change without me. They would go on anyway. Perhaps they would feel relief that I no longer mess with their life? Another complication that they were too polite to remove themselves would be gone. Maybe I am not that important to them as as they are to me?

So, maybe it is all an illusion. The time and the emotions that I invest in that may be all for nothing anyway. I am probably just fooling myself.

I know that I am writing this at the middle of the night, at an hour called the wolf hour in some languages. A time when all the doubts and fears come and haunt you. So - probably I will feel different tomorrow. And this is just another ridiculous self pitying whining post from an insecure mind.

But maybe, it is not worth it.

Maybe.

I am not just anybodys friend!

No, don´t get me wrong.

I am quite friendly, trying to see good in everybody and willing to help people. I think I am easy to cooperate with. It is not hard for me to share whatever I have, knowledge, money, food, housing to people that I hardly know. I am open, open minded and optimistic.

But, I don´t have many friends. I don´t give my friendship to just anybody. There is maybe a handful of people, to whom I am saying that I am their friend.

To me - friendship is more valuable than romantic love.

When I am single, I often fall in love, it doesn´t take much.
A nice smile, an attractive face or body, a funny or charming way.

But, then I realise the futility of that.

I am not an easy person to love, and I am not that attractive, so it is probably even harder to fall in love with me. So the odds of meeting someone that I could love are low. And for them to fall in love with me are very small.

Though, but that is life. It has happened a few times, and hopefully it will again.

But for someone to earn my friendship, it is something much more fundamental than that.

These few are people that I admire, that has shown their friendship to me and that has been there when I needed them. Or, maybe they did me some big service. Maybe they never realised how big. It varies. Some of them used to be girlfriends. Some I have actually never met.

To have my friendship, means that I will be there, for the rest of my life.

If they need me - I will stop at nothing to help them.
If they want to talk, I am there to listen.
I will try to give advice - if that is what they need.

If they need a shoulder to cry on - I will be there.
If they want to joke around and have someone who understand their jokes, I will try.
Sometimes I will be saying things that they need to hear.

And I will not ever expect anything in return.

No gratitude, no reward.

Maybe this is stupid of me?
Maybe friendship doesn´t mean that to other people?
Maybe it is just another one of these empty phrases - that used to mean something, but not anymore? Another fad.

Maybe it is just something people say to make others help them? To trick stupid buggers like me?

Well, I don´t give my friendship expecting to get something back.

So what, if I will be used, abused and forgotten when someone more interesting comes along?

That is life too.