Empty life

I really have nothing.

At this moment in my life - I have nothing to really keep me going. My parents are dead, my contact with my siblings are almost zero, my ex-girlfriends but one are lost, my last girlfriend is in another country, I have no estate and no fortune to manage but lots of debt, I work as a self-employed contracter with almost no contracts, for a company that is always lacking money.

I am entering my middle age, I am not good looking or exciting, I have very little success with women, the few that I manage to have a relationship with soon looses their interest. So, I am most likely to end up alone at the end.

So - why keep on going? Why not end it now?

I don´t know.

Maybe in a vain hope of a better day? Maybe because it is certain that death comes at the end anyway? Maybe because I am lazy or a coward? Maybe of concern about those poor buggers that have to take care of the body and the mess that I would create?

I have some interests that fills the day.

I moderate a forum, I adminster another one. And there are people there that I care about. People that I may even say that I love. Not romantically, more like a brother.

But, most likely, although they maybe would miss me for a few weeks, their life wouldn´t change without me. They would go on anyway. Perhaps they would feel relief that I no longer mess with their life? Another complication that they were too polite to remove themselves would be gone. Maybe I am not that important to them as as they are to me?

So, maybe it is all an illusion. The time and the emotions that I invest in that may be all for nothing anyway. I am probably just fooling myself.

I know that I am writing this at the middle of the night, at an hour called the wolf hour in some languages. A time when all the doubts and fears come and haunt you. So - probably I will feel different tomorrow. And this is just another ridiculous self pitying whining post from an insecure mind.

But maybe, it is not worth it.

Maybe.