Jokes
To break this gloomy trend I present you some jokes that I find funny.
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#1: Hotel soap
Below is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
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Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.
I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them.
The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
* On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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#2: Eating bald eagle
A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle.
The man is quickly put in jail for the crime.
When he was soon brought to trial, the Judge asked the man: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
"Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened.
"You may proceed," said the judge.
"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish. I thought that if I startled the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.
Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it.
I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
The judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
"Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."
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#3: Crazy freeway driver
Ralph, a Leisure Village senior citizen was driving down the San Diego freeway, on his way home, when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Ralph, I just heard on the Channel 2 news that there's some crazy man in a car going the wrong way on 5 freeway. Please be careful!"
"Hell! It's not just one car going the wrong way," exclaimed Ralph.
"It's hundreds of them!"
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#4: He knows you
A State Trooper pulls an elderly couple over for speeding.
The trooper asks the driver for his license.
The man's wife, who is hard-of-hearing yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The man yells to his wife, "HE WANTS MY LICENSE!"
She says, "OH!"
The trooper looks at the license and says, "Well, you're from New York City. I visited there once."
The wife says, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The husband yells, "THE TROOPER SAYS HE HAS BEEN TO NEW YORK CITY!"
The wife says, "OH!"
The trooper then leans into the car and tells the guy, "Yeah, I had the worst sex of my entire life in New York City."
The wife says, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The husband yells back, "HE SAID HE KNOWS YOU!"
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#5: Computerized diagnoses
A man complained to his friends: "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There is a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose and so he filled a jar up with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited his $10. The computer started making noises and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
ANALYSIS:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, and how it would change science forever, he began to wonder if the machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his daughter and wife, and to top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited $10.
The machine again made the usual noises and printed the following:
ANALYSIS:
Your tap water is too hard - get a water softener
Your dog has worms - give him vitamins
Your daughter is on drugs - put her in rehab
Your wife is pregnant - it ain't yours - get a lawyer
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
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Well, I never said that YOU would think they were funny, did I? But I laugh. Still.
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