Honorable

I try to be honorable. Even if it seems to be oldfashioned.

Today you are supposed to be smart, clever, take the chance, see the opportunities when they come, seize the day by its neck and shake it until it have yielded everything you can get out of it.
If someone is in trouble, or is in a weak position, you are supposed to see what advantages you can get out of it. If someone comes to you for help, they have to pay for it.

Well, I refuse.

I try to live by the standards that I set for myself. If that makes me stupid, easy to fool and someone for the "smart" people to look down on, so be it. I have to live with myself.

At the same time there are a lot of bad press about the muslim and mideastern cultures, where honor is claimed to be held hight. There are horror stories about father killing their daughters because they feel that their honor is being tarnished if she has kissed a boy or had sex outside the marriage.

These things happens, I know that.

But I don´t think honor has anything to do with it. Possibly false pride. I think that it is only crazy, weak people that can even contemplate hurting their children. I think that they behave dishonorable.

I have this definition of honor, you may have another:

• Loyality
• Honesty
• Responsability
• Integrity
• Pride
• Compassion

Loyalty:

To be there for your friends. To stand by your group, protect and defend them.

Maybe this is something I have too much of. I let sometimes people abuse me, I remain working at companies that don´t deserve my loyalty. I stay in relationships even if I don´t get anything out of it. I stay as long as someone need me. More often than not, when their need is gone, they let me go, they disgard me without concern about my feelings or my needs.

But I cannot be anything else. If I give my word to help or protect, I will do so, no matter what it will cost me. Otherwise I would always feel guilty.

Honesty:
To say the truth when a friend ask for it. To stand for what I have done, even if I could get away with blaming others, even if I would have to work extra hours to fix something that nobody would even think was my fault. To return money that someone gave me by mistake. I have joked sometimes, saying that I am too lazy to lie. I would never remember the story and so I would be caught right away. This is not true, of course. I think I would be an excellent liar, if I wasn´t cursed with this honesty. As it is now, I am not able to. I give it away at once, because if I lie - I feel uncomfortable, I behave weirdly - and so - I am caught.

But, of course, I do lie. About small things. Did I post that letter? Yes, sure, well - not really, I am going to. (And I will!) But not about things that matter.

Responsability:
To act like an adult. To do what is expected, to do what is promised. To protect those under your care, to make sure that those that depend upon you are safe.

Integrity:
To be true to yourself. Don´t let flatter, bribes or promises make you compromise with your honor. The grass may be greener on the other side, but it is on this side that you are. Don´t cheat, lie or compromise your honor.

Pride:
Yes, I am proud of being a whiteskinned North European Scandinavian middleaged man with blond hair.

I am happy that I am living here, and I do think our society is among the best - so far - in the world.

Does that make me want to look down on others? No, of course not. Everybody should be proud of what they are, and where they come from. Not blindly accepting everything, not being arrogant, but still - feel pride in yourself.

Compassion:
Last, but not least important, component in true honor - is the ability to feel for others. To be able to put yourself in the other persons situation, empathy and sympathy. To understand that others may not have had the same chances that you had. That they had to do what they have done. Don´t judge.

This is what honor is for me.

It may be different for you.

How to find the Right One

People are constantly searching for Mr or Mrs Right.

The True Love.

The Only One.

Someone that will change their life for ever. And that they will live happily ever after with.

And they never succed. Almost never.

And yet, if you think about it - surely there are uglier, poorer and more disgusting people than yourself having happy relationships?

This is how I think it is:

First, people are constantly putting themselves down.

You see flaws and imperfections in yourselves, that others never see - or maybe even thinks of as advantages.

That can be anything from physcial attributes like height, weight, sizes of breasts or sexual organs, shape of nose, lips, eyes, color of hair and to inner attributes, way of talking or laughing, humour, behaviour ... well, you probably can expand the list.

Of course - nobody is perfect.

Those flaws that one have, you can deal with in different ways.

Some tries surgery. They buy themselves bigger breasts, instead of working with their self esteem.

Others use them as excuses. "Oh no, I have a too spotty face - I can´t take that fun job."

Or some tries to accept those you can´t do anything about, and work with those that are possible.

Secondly, the belief that it is always someone better out there.

Some people constantly searches for the greener grass on the other side. They are critising their partner, finding faults with him or her, comparing to others (who do the same).

It can be someones looks, habits, profession, salary, way of behavour ... and also here I am sure you can expand this list. Oddly enough, some of those things that they berate are the same that made them fall for this person in the first place. Or maybe things that they both have in common.

So, there you have the forumula:

A person who are dissatisfied with himself or herself, and dissatisfied with his or her partner.
Someone whos life is not as good as he or she imagined.

And so he or she looks for someone else. The Knight in Shining Armor. The person who will transform their grey everyday to an eternal orgasm.

Of course this will always fail.

My advice:

Accept yourself.
Accept your partner, if you are lucky enough to have one.

Of course, there are behaviour that are never acceptable. Abuse, or infidelity. Disloyalty, dishonesty.

Note: These are advices from a short, ugly, fat old man with several crashed relationships behind him. So - take it for what you may find it worth.

Translated and expanded from a post I did at the Swedish Flashback Forum
http://forum.flashback.info/scandinavia/showpost.php?p=2687168&postcount=16

The need to be needed

I have been thinking.

Yes, I know. It is a rare event, but it does happen.

Why are everybody so involved in work, doing charity, helping out in organisations, writing on the net, chatting, going to bars, gym, bingo whatever? I mean - why are we socializing?

Examples:

- Relationships. Yes, we do satisfy a sexual need, and yes it is practical to have someone to share your expenses - but why do we fall in love? Or rather, why do we stay in love?
It is not only to care for our young. And why do women stay with men mistreating them?

- Friendships. Why do we have these? Why does it hurt when they go wrong? Yes, we have use for people to back us up when we are in trouble, and it is fun to be with a group that understand you. But sometimes friends can become your worst enemy. They know which buttons to press, they know where they can hurt you.

The bonding factor I think is our need to be needed. This is one strong urge to keep the group together, an evolutionary trait that has been wired into us since long before we became humans.

This is why we stay in marriages that gone wrong and keep friends even if they mistreat us. Because, if we cut loose all those bits - we may end up with no one needing us.

And that is a terrible feeling. To be all alone, nobody asks after you, nobody greets you with a smile, nobody is keeping in touch.

On the other hand - with each bond you have, you have also limited your freedom. And people with too many relationships, too many people needing them can start to feel trapped.

Why is it that we are so fucked up?